Saturday night is winding to a close. I have a few writing gigs to wrap up before I start my new temp job on Tuesday. I’m excited, nervous and afraid all at the same time. I’ve been staring at my laptop screen for the past hour wondering what to write. I started one post, then deleted it. I started another, then saved it.
Thank God for Facebook and social media. Reaching out to my dear friend Stacy Hudson over at BetterThanNewlyWeds, I told her I am struggling with self-doubt and don’t know what to write. I love my friend’s insights and wisdom. Stacy asked me what I am doubting.
Its so silly. I’m fighting off that feeling of not having anything valuable to give my readers. Its rooted in comparison and the lie that I’m not good enough, I replied.
Write about it, Stacy said.
I love that. When in doubt share your struggles. The light bulbs started flashing like Christmas tree lights on disco setting. So here, I am. I’m daring myself to be vulnerable with some of my insecurities because let’s face it we all have them in different ways. Maybe me sharing with you mine will encourage you that you are not the only person with insecurities.
I love what Stacy continued with:
this is the same old trick he (Satan) has been using on women for years to keep us quiet and powerless. When in reality he is the one rendered powerless when we put our faith in Jesus.
Come on! That’s a good dose of truth right there. Seriously, go check out her blog!
Confronted with self-doubt
This struggle has been going on almost all of last week. It really made itself obvious on Friday night at a beloved friend’s birthday party. I sat watching her open her amazing gifts (really amazing…wow) and I began to compare my gift to the ones she was opening.
Not knowing what to get my friend, I went to browse my favorite girly store. I asked the Lord to show me what to buy my friend.This gorgeous old-looking journal caught my eye; this was the gift I was to get. I had been thrilled with my gift until I began comparing it to everyone else.
As my doubts and insecurities rose up, I asked the Lord to show me that my gift was actually a great gift. Turns out, my friend had asked the Lord for a new journal and my gift was the only journal she got (to my knowledge) for her birthday. Plus, it matched the details of what she had wanted her new journal to look like. So I clearly was hearing from God when I bought it.
Other areas of self-doubt for me are in my self-image and a lot of it pertains to my impact in the world around me. I question whether I am having an impact or have something worthwhile to speak into people’s lives.
The root of my self-doubt
My self-doubt is rooted in the lie that I am not good enough which is attached to a spirit of comparison. What do I mean? For a lot of my growing up years, I found myself compared against other young girls including my sister. I regularly heard, so and so is better than you at x or you’re pretty but man, your sister is exquisite. or go ask your sister for help she makes the best….. It didn’t matter who said these words. The message was the same:
Ailie, you are good but you are not good enough.
The spirit of comparison had been whispering in my ears training me to measure myself against other women. This caused insecurities and self-doubt to arise as adversaries I would have to conquer in my adulthood.
No, I haven’t conquered it yet. I win certain battles but the war is not yet over. I do know that I will win:
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37
Jesus what is the truth?
In these moments of self-doubt and insecurities I need to remind myself to ask Jesus what is the truth. I have a choice to make: listen to the voice of self-doubt or listen to the voice of truth – Jesus. It comes down to partnership. We either partner with the enemy or we partner with Jesus. If we partner with Jesus, we overcome and walk in victory.
Jesus what do you think of me? Jesus, what is the truth in this situation?
The truth is we all have something valuable to give to each other and the people around us. The world is waiting for our story, song, voice. So what if every Christian has written a book on Prayer or sung a rendition of Amazing Grace. So what! Nobody can say it or sing it the way you do. You have a unique voice, so do I. The world needs to hear how we see things and how we experience God.
Maybe we don’t need to touch the whole world – that would kinda make us trying to be Jesus or a savior. Jesus has that role. What’s ours – to be our beautiful selves proudly and confidently. No one can sing like you, pray like you, hear God like you, speak like you, paint like you, dress like you, or write like you.
You and I each have a uniqueness that fits beautifully into the intricate design God is making that is called life and the world. Take it out and the picture isn’t complete.
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Psalm 139 never fails to remind me of my value: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” 🙂 Thank you for this earnest reflection! Glad to have discovered your blog!
Hi Pia. Wow yes, I love Psalm 139. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you found me to. Hope to hear more from you 🙂
I have certainly gone through seasons of doubting my ability to hear from God, doubting my ability to write or offer anything of value and continue to be amazed each time at how long it takes me to figure out it’s a trick to silence me. A trick I fall for over and over and over again So I think it’s vital we remind one another especially as women that this is a trick and it’s a lame one.
I agree Stacey. It is a trick. I am so guilty of falling for it over and over again too. Maybe that’s why we are meant to journey through life together so that we can help each other not fall for these tricks.
Tears were welling up as I read your post, Ailie! I have been feeling a lot of self doubt lately, and this was really encouraging. I felt like you that I don’t have much to offer others- in my relationships, while teaching my children, when leading a women’s Bible study, even through my blog. It’s such a convincing lie! If the enemy can silence us, he wins. Thank you for being brave enough to write this!
I’m so touched that this post encouraged you Marisa. Its been a huge struggle for me lately. I don’t know if you feel the same – I find mine ebbs and flows. Wow, you are leading a women’s Bible study and teaching your kids that is fantastic! I admire you and your capacity.
Great message and so very true.
These are amazing words, Ailie! They are true and relatable and oh so very important. I think every woman has had to deal with self-doubt at one time or another. Some, like me, have always struggled with it and it will always be a battle. BUT our Father has made us each so unique. We are perfect in His eyes, we are treasured and we matter. Thankful to have read this today 🙂
http://www.littlelightonahill.com
Thank you Keri. I’m glad that as women we can go through this together and know that we are not alone when we face our giants.