Choices. I haven’t written for over a week now because I have had a ton of deadlines to meet not to mention a clingy toddler and my middle boy’s fourth birthday party. Yeah. Pretty busy past week. I have had to make a string of choices this week like we all do every moment of our lives. Some choices are easy; others are harder.
To say that I’m doing ok with going to church on my own with the boys may not be totally accurate. Last Sunday I thought I was fine. I left home cheerfully with no apparent issues.Then the worship started.Next thing I knew I was crying on and off. My heart was tender before God. All I could think of was “God I need Annelouw (my best friend) so I can have a good cry. Can I sob my heart out?”
With the odd passerby checking in on me, I did my best to be vulnerable and honest . I admitted to not being ok without going into detail. Being vulnerable with people I am not close to, is a bit challenging for me. How much do I say? Can I trust you? What will you think? These are questions that stop me from letting people into those deep places of my heart. Unfortunately, this can come across as inauthentic. (I’ll do a separate post on personalities and vulnerabilities).
God did send a dear friend to me last Sunday who gave me a big hug and prayed for me which I was extremely grateful for. Isn’t that just like God? He answers our needs all the time. Albeit in ways we dont always expect. Still I am learning to recognize his answers to prayer.
When I look at what is helping me to endure this new transition in my life, I realize that choice is what is giving me power in what seems to be a powerless situation. Let’s be honest, I have no power over my husband or his choices not to mention that of my children. I have no more power of our financial situation (which honestly isn’t fantastic either) other than doing my freelance work faithfully.
What do I have power over? Truthfully, only me. I have power to exercise my freewill in the choices I make. I have the power to manage my emotions, renew my mind, and intentionally pursue a lifestyle of tenderheartedness. In what feels like a powerless situation, I find God reminding me that I am a powerful person. This is truth. God didn’t create powerless people. No, he created powerful people. If we were really powerless he wouldn’t have asked us to have dominion over the earth.
So each day I can choose to renew my mind, to pursue love and forgiveness, to turn my heart towards Jesus, and to choose how my situations are going to affect me. Now I am a powerful person less affected by a powerless situation. Although Sean has chosen to view Jesus the way he does, I can choose how I am going to respond. Am I going to respond in anger, bitterness, and self-pity? or am I going to respond in sacrificial love and release my beloved to be true to himself?
This is difficult. I can’t tell you that I have it down to a fine art. No. I am stumbling in this area and really find that only today am I reaching this realization a bit more. Practicing it is harder than talking about it. Thankfully God is full of grace. He doesn’t mind the stumbling, the mistakes, or the big messes. In fact, I think he smiles because we are trying. If we weren’t trying we wouldn’t be growing.
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